Random Thoughts Eighty-Freaking-One Style

Kobe Bryant........81 points.............Kobe freaking Bryant......eighty-freaking-one points........history......holy crap.........what?........Second all time.....first in Lakers history......WHAT?.....Grey's Anatomy is a good show...........Steelers will take Super Bowl Extra Large...........81................Moving on is a strange thing to have to go through.........I've realized that I have super high expectations for myself...so what....Kobe Bryant has high expectations for himself and that brought him 81 POINTS..........I wonder how many points a monkey could score........81 points.....I really don't have anything else to say but...........

Crouching Tiger Hidden Cowboy

It’s late and I should probably be in bed. The thing is I have too much to write but not enough words to write with (so forgive me if this doesn’t make sense)…

I was uncomfortable with the thought of having to walk up to the box office at the movie theater and say, “I’ll have one for Brokeback Mountain.” The thing is as “accepting” as I like to think I am there is still that typical hetero male part of me that becomes anxious at the thought of gay intimacy. Thankfully, I was accompanied by two very female individuals who would help me feel more comfortable. Even the cashier said, “You can buy a ticket to another movie and just sneak in.” I bought the ticket for “Brokeback Mountain”.

For all the guys who want to see this movie but are still kind of apprehensive about the gay thing, the very first thing you’d probably like to know is there is some nice Michelle Williams and Anne Hathaway boobage to ease your eyes. The second thing you should know, and really the more important thing, is this movie is great.

And of course it got me thinking…

The rest of this is meant for eyes that have seen the film (or eyes that don’t plan on seeing it ever)…

I once wrote that there is no good excuse for two people who are truly in love not to be together. Every reason was bullshit. I wrote that during a time when I wanted to be with someone so badly, and I knew some part of her wanted to be with me, but we just couldn’t get it to work out. I thought that was suffering. I was wrong. As much as that sucked, it was nothing compared to the crap people all over the world have to go through. “Brokeback Mountain” wasn’t a story of gay cowboys. It was a story of two people who were truly in love and because of responsibilities and mostly culture they could not be together. Imagine that. Picture being so in love with a person and instead of silly things like fear of commitment keeping you apart it was the world around you.

So many of us say things like we’d die for love, but none of us are actually faced with that option, and in the end it’s all just talk. We aren’t ever asked to face death for our love, and we are never brought to death because of our love. Still, there are so many people all over the world, straight and gay, who do have to face these things. There are couples everywhere who have to go to Brokeback Mountain to be together because that’s the only safe place. There are people who die because the closed-minded around them can’t (or don’t want to) understand or accept who and how they are and love.

It’s a sad situation that I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand because I probably wont ever be faced with it. When Jack got murdered and Ennis lost him there wasn’t one part of me that wasn’t touched but there wasn’t a part of me that could really get it. Maybe that’s why when people around me (including the two crazy girls to my right) were crying their eyes out I was too busy trying to figure out how I was going to review this incredible film. Because…

I don’t know true love.

I don’t know a world that can’t accept my love.

I don’t know how it feels like to be forever separated from the one thing I want by my side (as much as I once thought I did).

What I do realize is…

I have so much to learn.

I have so much left to experience.

And…

There are things that I’ll never have the burden of knowing… I just hope I’ll have the heart to feel for those that do.

They Say California Is A Recipe For A Blackhole

Recently someone had said something to me that made me realize something I had sort of suspected for a while now. I’ve lost it. My mojo has completely disappeared. Actually it doesn’t even exist anymore. It’s gone, and I missed the wake. What was told to me that made me finally come to this understanding was that I am “just like one of the girls.” Now, I know there are times when that could be a good thing, but this isn’t the case here. First, the person who said this to me was somebody who a mojo filled me would have been all over from the very first day we met. Second, it wasn’t in the tone of “you’re like one of the girls except for the fact that I want hit that” it was just plain old “you’re just like one of the girls.”

It’s just dead. I used to have a mysterious endearing quality going for me. GONE. I used to be able to charm the pants off of anyone. GONE. I used to have real clever wit GONE (though I can still get away with faking that, but it’s getting harder). It’s all just gone, and now I’m just one of the girls.

So what happened? Why did it all just die? When did it all just die?

I think I can answer that last one right now. The exact moment my mojo was first struck ironically (it’s like rain…) was one of my favorite moments in my recent past. It was a kiss. I mean this kiss, with everything behind it and everything that led up to it, belonged on one of those Dawson’s Creek type shows. The situation was classic. The dialogue was great. There were dramatic pauses, and even a little comedy thrown in. Still, as awesome as the moment was it became the start of a domino effect that would screw me up good. Why? Because unlike any other kiss, or any other touch I’ve had with someone I actually cared about this one. My mojo couldn’t handle this so it just took the blow and laid knocked out on the canvas. What really finished it off though was the actual relationship that this kiss led to.

See this relationship was doomed from the beginning. Why? Because it was too damn easy, and both parties just did not know how to handle that. Actually getting together was difficult, but after the hook up it became way too easy. It was too easy for her to take control, and it was too easy for me to keep falling for her. She couldn't live with that. I can’t live with that. I have to live with challenge. So naturally I made if difficult. How do you go about doing that? By flipping the switch and completely turning into somebody you aren’t, in this case a crazy obsessive ass. And (I’m such a rebel) that, my friends, is absolutely anti-mojo.

Really, it’s that need for complication that ruined everything. A lack of mojo is a very complicated way to live your life, and that’s why I’ve been living without one for so long.

But this has to change now. If I want to achieve my goals, if I want to get to where I want to go, I have to re-establish my mojo.
How do I go about doing that?

Well I’m not entirely sure, but I do know a few things.
I have to accept the fact that some things are just simple and uncomplicated. However, relationships are always going to have a degree of complication to them. It’s a matter of living and dealing with the natural and not forcing a contrived situation.

I must always be true to myself, and whenever I feel like I’m deviating from the person I want to be I need to stop and take a look at what’s going on.

I need to know my role. This is one of those personal theories that I’m working on. Entry on this coming soon.

I need to stop being afraid of offending people with my humor. This never used to be a problem, but somehow mojoless me started worrying about this.

I’d like to grab a hold of that mysterious edge again.

And

I absolutely have to get that charm back.

So it’s off to work. I will get my mojo back. Be cautious. I might just sweep the world off of its feet.

P.S. This girl I wrote about may not exactly agree with what I said about our relationship, but I believe what I said is the truth. Anyway one thing I want to say about her though is she is a great person and after all is innocent therefore not named………..yeah sure I might be covering my ass just in case, you know, something easily complicated came up in the future……………

Nothing's Right I'm Torn

I remember when depression was cool. It was a sort of rite of passage from kid to young adult. You had to find a reason to be pissed off too, because really back then there wasn't much to be upset about, or at least you were too young to know what to be upset about (and learned later just how justified you could have been if you acted against the right things). So you learned how to dramatize trivial shit. Like the epic battle between the emotions of yours and some chick you dug, or really anything that had to do with some chick you dug. Of course once you felt the depression the door was open to drink and do drugs and make yourself that much cooler. But then you start growing, and one day you realize that this whole depression deal is shit and no matter how uncool happiness used to be you start to want it. Instead of being a spectator of your own life and sulking over it you begin to take action. You go after that chick you dig with everything you have. You earn the things you want, because that's the only way they are truly yours. You make a difference somewhere somehow.

I wonder if that little teenage need for depression is something we all have to experience and somewhat keep with us through the years. Maybe depression is too harsh of a word. As you grow older it's more of a dissatisfaction than a depression. But is that being unsatisfied with your life ultimately a good even necessary thing? I think so. The thing is if you are completely satisfied with life then where does your motivation for progression come from? That's not to say you can't be happy. You can be happy that you aren't satisfied. You can be happy that you want progression, you can be happy you progressed, and I'm sure at a certain point in your life you can be happy that you are completely satisfied, but for the most part that time is probably reserved for retirement.

I think too many people like to fool themselves into satisfaction, because they think they are supposed to be satisfied, but you shouldn't be. As good as your life is at this moment (and I'm not acknowledging the exceptions because I think anybody who happens to read this is still decently young) you should want more and you should go for it.

You only have to worry if you're not doing anything about your dissatisfaction.