I Could Never Mean A Thing To You

Sometimes I think I garner up feelings for somebody just so that I can analyze those feelings. Obviously that is not entirely true, but the fact still remains that if I do acquire feelings towards someone I will begin the over-analysis. Recently while looking at every angle of my feelings and picking them apart piece by piece I've come up with some thoughts, and as per usual I will attempt to type them into a cohesive bit of literature.

Unrequited desire for somebody is fantastic. Am I being ironic? I don't know. Alanis screwed me up. Actually it's true. Think about it. Harboring unrequited feelings has got to be up there with near death experiences as far as learning about yourself is concerned. Not to mention it's a great excuse to annoy your friends, to the point where they try to avoid you, by endlessly complaining about some girl who you can't get. There are basically two sides to this, one being that of the insecure and the other being of the confident. The insecure ask questions like, "What's so wrong with me that makes her not like me?" and make claims like, "I'm pathetic. It's all my fault." The confident ask, "What's wrong with her that she doesn't like me?" and make claims like, "Whatever, her loss." So who’s asking the right questions? The safe answer is both are wrong. It is nobody’s fault. I don’t entirely agree with this. In fact I sort of lean towards the insecure. Go ahead read that again. I know it’s shocking. The thing is if you dissect the situation and look at everything that could possibly be in your power to influence her desire you might come across some surprising findings. You might find an overwhelming amount of evidence pointing to your guilt in the whole damn mess. See the main problem here is instead of being active in getting what you want, you sit back sad that you don’t have it. That is your fault. Again if you really look at it you can find the thing you can do to take the blame off you. You can figure it out. You can change it. You can change yourself.

Did he just tell me to change myself? I don’t want to change myself!! Screw him!!!

Actually this is my big revelation of the month, and it’s a crazy one if you consider the person who is typing this. I mean I’m one of the most independent guys in the world. As a matter of fact, if you needed a good example of too independent I’d give you myself. I have always been a strong believer in not changing yourself for the benefit of someone else. You are your own person. But what I realized was contrary to all this. The thing is, what is so wrong with changing yourself for somebody you want so badly? There really is nothing wrong with that. For the millionth time really look at what is going on here. You want this girl more than you ever thought possible, and a huge part of that, which you probably didn’t pay attention to, is the kind of person she wants to end up with is the kind of person you want to be. I know this is a lot to get your mind around, but why would you want somebody who didn’t want what you desired to become. Essentially you are changing yourself into somebody you were already going to become, only this time it was sparked by someone else. Again this goes back to the reoccurring theme of mine that you should make every effort to go after what you want.

So that is what I’m doing. I’m changing to become the person she wants to be with and the person she should be with, because I know, I see so very clearly, that who she wants to be with is who I want to become, even if she doesn’t exactly know who that is, even if I don’t know exactly who she is. (That might be a lie)